I thought I’d have lots of brainstorming to do regarding tonight’s blog. Then I realized that my family’s group text was the Oscars live-blog we all deserved. So feast your eyes, and come to the realization that my family is likely cooler than yours. [Warnings for extreme sass, snark, and complete and total lack of cinematic reverence]
Me (8:30) Justin Timberlake can’t sing anymore?!?!
Me (8:31) Oh, wait, he’s improving!
Me (8:32) Oh, no, wait, he’s awful again.
Me (8:37) Mel Gibson joke? Woof.
Me (8:39) …why are we cheering for vaguely racist jokes? Awkward.
Mom (8:42) Why are we supposed to care about Mel Gibson?
Me (8:43) Agreed! Also, Meryl’s dress is so bad! You win mom.
Brother (8:45) What did Mel Gibson say? [My brother was stuck at work for the first portion of the broadcast]
Me (8:46) He didn’t say anything. He just exists 😬
Brother (8:47) He’s a good director!
Me (8:48) Okay…he’s also the worst.
Mom (8:49) Back to Justin…I’ve heard worse singing. Those actresses have no rhythm, though.
Me: (8:50) I never thought I’d say this, but I’m loving this Jimmy Kimmel monologue #meryl4prez
Mom (9:00) In other news, Charlize’s gown is bleck and boring.
Me (9:01) True! Oooh, but Alicia Vikander’s dress is straight up ugly.
Mom (9:03) I think her dress is just weird.
Me (9:04) OMG, Katherine Johnson 🙌 🙌 🙌
Mom, Me (9:05) MOANA
Mom (9:06) In related news, Lin’s mom is beautiful and so is the girl singing. And so is her dress.
Me (9:07) She’s 16!!
Mom (9:08) I wonder if Lin will cast her in something…
Me (9:09) God, Lin-Manuel is such a nugget. I love him. And Auli’i Cravalho is so flat, but I don’t even care. She’s like 16 so 🙌 🙌 🙌🙌 🙌 🙌
Brother (9:10) I thought something was off, but I was waiting for your criticism first.
Mom (9:11) It was fine overall, but not great.
Me (9:12) I can’t even be bothered by her technical flubs because she is so cute and earnest and endearing and I want to smoosh her with love and also become her because she is the most beautiful 16-year-old I’ve ever seen. Maybe ever.
Mom (9:14) I don’t know who any of these young people are, but yay Viola Davis.
Me (9:15) Yay!!
Mom (9:16) Oh. It’s the Shades of Grey girl, and her dress is awful.
Me (9:17) Oh God, it’s hideous! It looks like a pleated lampshade.
ALSO LIN-MANUEL IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL.
And my favorite short film won!
[Oh hi Dad] Dad (9:45) 👍
Mom (9:51) Leslie Mann’s gown…ugh. Not that I know who she is. But Meryl’s gown isn’t as ugly as I thought!
Me (9:55) Agreed.
Dad (10:00) Is it me, or does John Legend sound like a bad early American Idol contestant?
Me (10:01) YES
Mom (10:02) Not his finest moment.
Me (10:05) Also, this song sounds like a bad knockoff of that awful Rainbow Connection song from the Muppet movie.
Mom (10:07) The melody sounds like a lot of different songs.
Dad (10:08) Muppets rule!
Me (10:15) Ooh, I love Scarlett’s dress!
Brother (10:17) NO.
Mom (10:18) ^^ What he said.
Brother (10:19) What happened to her hair??
Mom (10:20) No, no, no.
Me (10:21) Hey, I like it!
Mom (10:25) Out of all the songs, La La Land won?
Dad (10:26) Gag me.
Me (10:27) Literally any college freshman studying music could have written that song. And gotten a C for lack of originality.
Mom (10:28) Yup. Just ask Jim Hansen.
Dad (10:29) SO WHAT STOPPED YOU? [Touche, Dad. Touche]
Brother (10:30) 🤔
Me (10:33)…thanks for letting me sing in the rain, I guess?
Mom (10:40) Jennifer Aniston needs a Jake over.
Dad (10:41) Which Jake?
Mom (10:42) Ugh, MAKE over.
Me: (10:45) In memoriam! At least Sara Bareillis can sing, although the song isn’t great.
Mom (10:46) 👏 👍
Dad (10:47) Seriously, what’s up with the musical keys tonight?
Me (10:48) WORD
Brother (10:49) I’m surprised they didn’t do that super depressing Sarah McLaughlin song.
Dad (10:51) Unrelated: Rolexxxxxxxx!!
Sarah (10:52)…why do they need commercials?
Mom (11:00) What happened to Ben Affleck’s face?
Me (11:01) Bad botox?
Mom (11:05) What is Amy Adams wearing?
Brother (11:06) I think it’s fine. I bet Dad agrees.
Mom (11:07) Well, you’re wrong.
Me (11:08) It’s not the worst! But, it’s not awesome.
Mom (11:11) Good speeches!
Me (11:30) Interesting hair choice by Halle Berry…
Dad (11:32) She looks like Medusa. Just saying.
Mom (11:37) La La Land again? Boo.
Dad (11:38) Excuse you, it’s so hard to direct a musical, and it’s never been done before.
Mom (11:40) Do you think if the leads were ugly it would have won?
Me (11:41) Unlikely.
Dad (11:45) Wait, I thought Hollywood hated Affleck?
Me (11:46) Sadly, no.
Mom (11:48) What a surprise!
Dad (11:49) All in the family.
Me (11:50) Meh, gross.
Mom (11:58) It’s not fair to Ryan!
Me (11:59) Well played, Dad.
Mom (12:00) You’re all so mean to me!
Dad (12:00) Hey, I just love Spongebob.
Me (12:01) As do we all!
Mom (12:02) Not all! 😜
Dad (12:03) 😱
Me (12:05) Is that Faye Dunaway?
Dad (12:06) 😂
Mom (12:07) OMG, B!
Me (12:11) HOLY SHIT.
YES. I. LOVE. EVERYTHING.
Mom (12:11) Holy shit.
Dad (12:11) Holy shit.
Brother (12:12) Weird.
Me (12:13) What in the world? Omg, so awkward. This is so uncomfortable. BUT SO WELL DESERVED MOONLIGHT WAS AMAZING.
Mom (12:13) 👏 👍
Dad (12:14) ?!?!?!?!?!?!
Me (12:14) This is absurd. 2017…I don’t know, y’all.
In conclusion: My family is the coolest, the Oscars were insane, and good GIFs change the game.
Day 57: February 27, 2017