On The Bachelor, and Being Confused.

In honor of Singles’ Awareness Day (or Valentine’s Day, if you’re one of those ‘I-have-a-significant-other-people’), my roommate and I decided to start watching The Bachelor. I have never watched this show before (unless you count overhearing it when my mom watched the 1st season as her laundry folding fodder when I was a kid) and wow, do I have a lot of questions.

  1. Wait, so this dude has done this shenanigan like 3 times? Why? Nick, if you want to get laid that bad, why don’t you just get a Tinder profile?
  2. Nick is 36. 36?? What is your day job, Nick? How on earth did your corporate job allow you take a leave of absence 4 times to go suck face with a bunch of randos on a beach? Where can I sign up for a position with that kind of time flexibility?
  3. A girl just rode up on a camel? I’m out.

    Camel Entrance
    This…is supposed to make a man on his 4th round of a reality dating show fall in love with you?
  4. No, wait, not out. Now there’s a girl in a Katy Perry left-shark suit! No, just kidding. It’s a dolphin.
  5. Now I finally know what this whole Corinne situation is all about. But I still don’t understand — why does a 24-year-old have a nanny?
  6. Taylor, if you are a mental health professional, why on earth are you on this show? These two things do not mesh well.
  7. Oh look, Episode 2! Now we’re…doing a wedding photo shoot? Is this a polygamy thing?!
  8. Oh no, I see, Nick just wants the women to show off their whimsical sides. Because nothing says whimsy like pretending to have a shotgun wedding?
  9. Corinne…just took off her top. In the pool. For a photo shoot. With Nick, who she has known for approximately 2 days. WHY IS THIS WOMAN A MILLIONAIRE?

    Corinne in pool
    This woman is my age. One of us just took their top off on national TV. That one of us is a millionaire. Cool, cool.
  10. CORINNE WON THE CHALLENGE?? I AM SO LOST.
  11. Ooh, helicopter. Are helicopters supposed to be romantic?
  12. Fancy dinner. Danielle seems relatively normal, I think?
  13. Ooh, plot twist: Liz is telling all the girls that she and Nick slept together! At a wedding! Angst! Drama!
  14. Nick is mad…because the other girls will know that he has slept with one of the girls? And he thinks they with think badly of him? The women who are looking for serial monogamy from a man who is currently dating 25 girls?
  15. Liz goes bye-bye! I don’t understand how this rose thing works?
  16. HOW IS CORINNE STILL IN THE GAME IF SHE SLEEPS THROUGH THE ROSE CEREMONY. ISN’T THAT THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THIS WHOLE THING????
  17. And, nothing says ‘Romance: 2017’ like a rendezvous with the Backstreet Boys?

    Backstreet Boys
    I…don’t have anything pithy to say. The Backstreet Boys speak for themselves.
  18. Vanessa’s turn for a 1-on-1. Zero-G flight simulator — because nothing says romance like puking in front of your date?
  19. Group date! Because when I think ‘putting my best foot forward’ I think ‘viciously-competing-in-track-and-field-events-against-a-bunch-of-scantily-clad ladies-and-also-some-gold-medal-winning-Olympians????’
  20. CORINNE STRIKES AGAIN. WHO WANTS TO SPEND THE REST OF THEIR LIFE WITH SOMEONE WHO STARTS HUMPING THEM IN A BOUNCY HOUSE?!?!?!
  21. And off to Wisconsin to meet the parents. I personally would feel so great about A MAN DATING 15 OTHER WOMEN INTRODUCING ME TO HIS PARENTS AND ALSO HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND AND ALSO HIS ADOLESCENT SISTER THIS IS SO GREAT TAKE ME NOW.
  22. Oh look, now Nick is taking his chosen people on a romantic outing to the dairy farm! Romance, thy name is cow shit?!
  23. Don’t get me wrong, Taylor, Corinne is the worst. But also, YOU ARE ON A REALITY DATING SHOW DO YOU REALLY HAVE ROOM TO BE LECTURING OTHER WOMEN ON THE NATURE OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE?!?!?!
  24. And off to NOLA! Why does this show have to defile one of my favorite cities in the world?
  25. 1-on-1 date with Rachel in the Quarter! With a ‘total-spontaneous-and-not-at-all-choreographed’ second line! BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS ROMANCE LIKE THE SMELL OF BOURBON STREET?!!?!?

    Second Line
    Wow, what an organically created and totally true-to-life second line through the streets of New Orleans!
  26. WHY DO WE HAVE TO GLORIFY PLANTATION CULTURE ON NATIONAL TELEVISION AND ALSO TAKE A BUNCH OF WOMEN OF COLOR INCLUDING ONE FROM NOLA ON A DATE THERE WHY WHY WHY?????
  27. I…don’t think I could marry a man who takes a Ouija board seriously?
  28. I LOVE TRIVIALIZING BLACK CULTURE FOR THE SAKE OF REALITY TV. THIS IS SO GREAT AND I’M NOT THROWING UP IN MY MOUTH OR ANYTHING.
  29. Did they just abandon Taylor in the Bayou? Like, I know she’s not actually abandoned, but also…what?
  30. 4 FOR YOU TAYLOR. YOU GO TAYLOR. HAVE SOME SELF-RESPECT WOMAN.
  31. And now we’re in the Virgin Islands! Is this some sort of obvious word play by the producers? Only time will tell.
  32. HAHA JUST KIDDING CORINNE JUST SAID SHE HAS A PLATINUM-QUALITY VAGINA.
  33. And, nothing says romance like your adoption story?
  34. How come Corinne gets to accost people and interrupt people and grope people and scream at people but Jasmine gets aggressive one time and gets sent home???
  35. More helicopters! What is it with the helicopters?
  36. TWO WOMEN SENT HOME FOR THE PRICE OF ONE. MUCH ANGST. SUCH DRAMA.
  37. And now off to the Bahamas. Am I allowed to hate all of these people?

    Final 6 The Bachelor
    HAHAHA IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE IT SEEMS LIKE YOU LIKE EACH OTHER.
  38. Yachts, and shipwrecks, and diving, oh my!
  39. NOTHING SAYS ROMANCE LIKE GETTING EATEN BY SHARKS? SHARK CAGES ARE FOR SUCKERS???
  40. Thanks, Raven, I’m so glad to hear about that one time you walked in on your ex cheating on you and also got a good look at the other woman’s genitalia.
  41. WHY ARE YOU SENDING HOME THE ONLY WOMAN WHO SEEMS NORMAL IN THIS WHOLE GODDAMN SHOW, NICK? WHY?!?!?!
  42. Bye, Felicia! I mean, Kristina! See, I knew that rose thing wasn’t that important.

So there you have it. An entire season of The Bachelor in 1 night. I’d apologize for the caps lock, but I think my brain is broken. Happy Valentine’s Day everyone.

–S

Day 44: February 14, 2017

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